I have been going, a lot. I have been doing a lot. I have been "up and about" ... a lot. And I haven't felt much. Which has been nice, but God is slowing me down. And I am feeling more. Hurting more. Missing her... achingly so.
This weekend at Church, I prayed and asked God why no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get on top of finances, my time management, and my eating habits. I am a very undisciplined person and I am beyond frustration about it, I am exasperated... bewildered. I think God told me that I need to slow down. That I can't possibly expect myself to be on top of these things at the pace at which I have been surviving my life (not living, mind you). I think He told me that if I slow down and hold off on all my very ambitious goals, that I will find myself more whole and perhaps disciplined than before?! I get the impression this isn't just a seasonal slowing down, this is a way of life thing, a "stop adding another thing to your life and just be" kind of recommendation.
I am not very good at just "be-ing". I am an anxious, fidgety, high energy, extroverted-to-a-fault, effervescent kind of woman. Slowing down and just "be-ing" isn't in my repertoire... I need a manual, a to-do list, some verb that I can latch onto! Sitting and breathing aren't good enough. Is "stilling" a verb? I don't think so.
This is where I am at... avoiding being still. Avoiding "being". And I know God has been nudging me to this for years. And I think I need it more now than ever. A good book on this: Invitation to Solitude and Silence, read it if you are also considering "stilling" yourself.
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