2 Years Approaching

So, it's been a while since I posted something, but I have been accumulating future posts in my brain hoping for the time to make them sound really smart and chic. HA HA HA! Time- what a joke! Instead of stock piling for later eloquent discourse- here is what has been percolating in my noggin:

- Grad School is wonderful! I love school and want to be paid to learn. :) Anyone else want to join me? Thank you God for nurturing our minds.


- What about worshipping God, walking with God with Pure Love, Pure Faith and Pure Hope as St. Theophan mentions? This is serious business and means dieing to myself in a way I haven't really wanted to explore... but the hardest step is the first and each day I am taking it! I want to worship God, love God, connect with God for WHO He is and not just WHAT He does or doesn't do for me. More to come on this topic...

- Is God ever NOT "doing"? Isn't He ALWAYS pouring forth His Love, Beauty, Goodness, Grace, and Salvation to all of Humanity all the TIME? And furthermore, isn't He every moment of every day giving us HIMSELF in His Son, Jesus? This is powerful stuff to take in... really take in. I think if I REALLY believed this, I would live sooo very differently and far more FREE!



And Tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful Mother's death. Still weird typing those words. Still feels like I am writing about another's loss- not my own. And yet, this past year, has been the hardest for me- much more permanent. Much more REAL. She is GONE (not in St. Louis or Door County or Iowa visiting dear friends and family.) And I can't call her, cuddle into her warm body, hold her sweet veiny hands, smell her skin, or be seen by her beautiful hazel eyes that went right to my soul and affirmed my being. I have LOST much in her and carry a sorrow in my soul... but the Beauty of it all is that Christ trampled down death by death! And God is showing me that He is my Life (not my family, not my relationships, not my externals) and Rock. And that it is possible to live this life with pain, loss, holes and still have joy, still marvel at the Beauty all around, still laugh till your sides ache, still love till it's hard to breathe and still let go of it all if Your Father allows or asks this. I have realized in a gut-level way that Life (and the Christian Life) is not about happiness or comforts or dreams come true or even really good, noble things you want to happen working out... but saying Yes to our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit and trusting (working out that salvation with fear, trembling, crying, cursing even at times) that He is far more invested in our True Being (Theosis- for those that are willing to entertain such a preposterous idea) than even we are... and in Him we are Home.

Thank you for reading!

Putting this on my blog may seem a bit strange, but for some reason it is comforting knowing someone will probably read this...

Dear Mom,

I miss you. More than word can say, more than tears, more than deep cries- I miss you in this dark, desolate, empty sort of way. Like a void, an empty, vast void- that only your presence can fill. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Your eyes. Your smell. The soft skin of your cheek next to mine. Your weathered hands; hands that diapered little bottoms, soothed crying faces, prayed and worshiped, and fed your family. I miss your life, Mom. Your voice. I miss pulling in the driveway to see you knee deep gardening, working in the yard, breathing the fresh air and soaking in the sun.

I miss you greeting little SamSam, how you'd stretch your arms out so wide, scoop him up, snuggle him tight and make him laugh. I miss how you loved him, how you loved being Granmom. How you treasured life.

I don't understand why God didn't heal you. I know that God didn't take you, but sin took you and Christ saved you from death. I just wish he'd given you more life with us. It feels cruel, I'm sure it isn't, but how do I reconcile God's love and faithfulness with His lack of healing you? How is this God's best for you? These are the questions I am sitting on, Mom- you know what it's like to sit on questions, I remember.

If you were still alive, I'd like to think that I wouldn't take advantage of you- that I would treasure you more, love you better, and spend more time with you. Perhaps, if we'd just had a scare with your health- but you were healed, I would cherish you more. I'd walk with you in this beautiful Autumn weather; you'd love this Autumn- it has been breathtakingly colorful and the perfect "jeans and t-shirt" mild. We'd rake leaves, watch Sam play in them, and laugh over his 3 year old joy. We'd talk of God, what He is doing in our lives, what my future holds, and how I struggle to trust Him, and you'd remind me that He is faithful and loves me. You might complain about Dad or something discouraging in your life, and I'd try to fix you, which wouldn't work. I'd like to picture you and Dad getting real help- facing the pain and dysfunction in the light, shame-free love of Christ. I'd like to picture you receiving great healing and transformation around the wounds you carried from your own childhood. I picture you free, Mom- beautifully, joyfully, serenely free. Abundant Life.

I love you,
Bethany Anne