2 Years Approaching

So, it's been a while since I posted something, but I have been accumulating future posts in my brain hoping for the time to make them sound really smart and chic. HA HA HA! Time- what a joke! Instead of stock piling for later eloquent discourse- here is what has been percolating in my noggin:

- Grad School is wonderful! I love school and want to be paid to learn. :) Anyone else want to join me? Thank you God for nurturing our minds.


- What about worshipping God, walking with God with Pure Love, Pure Faith and Pure Hope as St. Theophan mentions? This is serious business and means dieing to myself in a way I haven't really wanted to explore... but the hardest step is the first and each day I am taking it! I want to worship God, love God, connect with God for WHO He is and not just WHAT He does or doesn't do for me. More to come on this topic...

- Is God ever NOT "doing"? Isn't He ALWAYS pouring forth His Love, Beauty, Goodness, Grace, and Salvation to all of Humanity all the TIME? And furthermore, isn't He every moment of every day giving us HIMSELF in His Son, Jesus? This is powerful stuff to take in... really take in. I think if I REALLY believed this, I would live sooo very differently and far more FREE!



And Tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful Mother's death. Still weird typing those words. Still feels like I am writing about another's loss- not my own. And yet, this past year, has been the hardest for me- much more permanent. Much more REAL. She is GONE (not in St. Louis or Door County or Iowa visiting dear friends and family.) And I can't call her, cuddle into her warm body, hold her sweet veiny hands, smell her skin, or be seen by her beautiful hazel eyes that went right to my soul and affirmed my being. I have LOST much in her and carry a sorrow in my soul... but the Beauty of it all is that Christ trampled down death by death! And God is showing me that He is my Life (not my family, not my relationships, not my externals) and Rock. And that it is possible to live this life with pain, loss, holes and still have joy, still marvel at the Beauty all around, still laugh till your sides ache, still love till it's hard to breathe and still let go of it all if Your Father allows or asks this. I have realized in a gut-level way that Life (and the Christian Life) is not about happiness or comforts or dreams come true or even really good, noble things you want to happen working out... but saying Yes to our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit and trusting (working out that salvation with fear, trembling, crying, cursing even at times) that He is far more invested in our True Being (Theosis- for those that are willing to entertain such a preposterous idea) than even we are... and in Him we are Home.

Thank you for reading!

How Jesus came to my home

Christ's Gift of Love

Yesterday we celebrated the birth in time of our eternal King. Today we celebrate the triumphant suffering of his soldier.

Yesterday our king, clothed in his robe of flesh, left his place in the virgin’s womb and graciously visited the world. Today his soldier leaves the tabernacle of his body and goes triumphantly to heaven.

Our king, despite his exalted majesty, came in humility for our sake; yet he did not come empty-handed. He brought his soldiers a great gift that not only enriched them but also made them unconquerable in battle, for it was the gift of love, which was to bring men to share in his divinity. He gave of his bounty, yet without any loss to himself. In a marvellous way he changed into wealth the poverty of his faithful followers while remaining in full possession of his own inexhaustible riches.

And so the love that brought Christ from heaven to earth raised Stephen from earth to heaven; shown first in the king, it later shone forth in his soldier. Love was Stephen’s weapon by which he gained every battle, and so won the crown signified by his name. His love of God kept him from yielding to the ferocious mob; his love for his neighbour made him pray for those who were stoning him. Love inspired him to reprove those who erred, to make them amend; love led him to pray for those who stoned him, to save them from punishment. Strengthened by the power of his love, he overcame the raging cruelty of Saul and won his persecutor on earth as his companion in heaven. In his holy and tireless love he longed to gain by prayer those whom he could not convert by admonition.

Now at last, Paul rejoices with Stephen, with Stephen he delights in the glory of Christ, with Stephen he exalts, with Stephen he reigns. Stephen went first, slain by the stones thrown by Paul, but Paul followed after, helped by the prayer of Stephen. This, surely, is the true life, my brothers, a life in which Paul feels no shame because of Stephen’s death, and Stephen delights in Paul’s companionship, for love fills them both with joy. It was Stephen’s love that prevailed over the cruelty of the mob, and it was Paul’s love that covered the multitude of his sins; it was love that won for both of them the kingdom of heaven.

Love, indeed, is the source of all good things; it is an impregnable defence,- and the way that leads to heaven. He who walks in love can neither go astray nor be afraid: love guides him, protects him, and brings him to his journey’s end.

My brothers, Christ made love the stairway that would enable all Christians to climb to heaven. Hold fast to it, therefore, in all sincerity, give one another practical proof of it, and by your progress in it, make your ascent together.

Fulgentius of Ruspe (462-527)

This was sent to me in an email from a beloved couple at our church. I read it just now and had to post it to my blog because it so eloquently describes what I sense God revealing to me this Advent.

Christmas was very difficult this year as we are facing a long road ahead of fighting this cancer battle with my mom. And as if that wasn't enough, my dad's health is also in jeopardy, my parents may be facing bankruptcy, I am terribly in debt and unemployed myself, and there is painful dysfunction eating away at our family relationships. I fought hard yesterday to not sink in despair.

I sat at our Rez's Christmas Vigil service with tears streaming down my face as I silently prayed, "God, where is your salvation in all of this? What does it look like, I don't want to miss it?" Surrounded by sickness of both the body, mind and soul within myself and my loved ones, I feel disheartened wondering where our faith in this Savior really gets us.

Father Stewart preached how sin is more than just making bad decisions, but it is bondage of our soul- it is non-existence. And that is exactly what I am most grieved by at this time. Death is imminent for all of us, but living in death is our choice. He told the assembly that Christ has come to our Home this day, and on my way home, I cried on the phone to David "I would love for Jesus to come to my house today."

Wanting so much for Jesus to rescue my family and me from our lies, sinful reactions, dysfunction and illness in this lifetime where He suddenly changes, transformes us into His image and we can love eachother selflessly the rest of our days- I despair because He does not promise this. His salvation, to my dismay, is not turning us into Righteous little Robots, rather His promise is to transform us into His image as much as we really, truly want Him to. As much of our dead selves we give Him, He will be faithful to enliven. And of course, this means, we fight the hard fight, we run the race and we ardusouly climb to our Ascent.

In a prayer, I wrote to God about my anger towards my family members, how they have gone wrong over the years, hurt me and each other, and what I long for them to do instead. After I got all of that off my chest, I wrote this:

I grieve more than just the cancer- I grieve the sin, dysfunction, and lies… I grieve the bondage my family is in. Father please show me how I can break free? Please show me how I can be a breath of fresh FREE air to each member of my family. How I can kidnap them to experience LIFE, truth and freedom from the sin that entangles their soul.

Father, my eyes are on You for righteousness- in repentance of going astray. Of my own sin, my own narcissism, and all the moments I have taken my gaze from You to the waves beneath me, dark water rising to me, and storm overtaking me… forgive me for my unrepentant heart these years, for blaming You, for being so consumed with my problems and needs that I refused to worship, to really see You, to really submit to You, and to really receive from You. I have withheld myself from You because of what was going on around me for I felt You had betrayed me.

I sense now more than ever that my despair over these years is really my own doing- that had I become a student of Christ, (practically spent time in His word), had I become a worshipper of Christ (however tearful, angry and confused), had I become a truster and cross-bearer of Christ (however fearful) I would not have wrestled God so much and wound up with years of depression. My resistance to submission, repentance, and worship brought me to despair- I blamed You for everything because You were supposed to save us from ourselves, rescue me, and make me happy.

I didn’t think the way to rescue was saying “yes” to You, the cross, suffering, and dieing to my flesh… I didn’t get that saying “yes” to You meant trusting You no matter what, meant loving You no matter what, meant discovering that in loving I am truly fulfilled and more happy than anything. That it is in loving that I am truly set free! That it is in loving those that hurt me, in loving those that disappoint me, in loving those that do not return love, in loving You who I fear isn’t real, in loving You when I am anxiously doubtful, in loving You when I am confused, angry and feel mislead, in loving David when I am angry, ashamed, and feel not good enough, in loving my sister when she is like darkness to my soul, in loving through the suffering of life, cancer, sin, lies and pain that I am set free from my own sin, emptiness, narcissism, unhappiness, and despair- that love heals a multitude of sins. That in loving all, I conquer all because Christ is in me, and I in Him.

I am sorry I have got it wrong these years- I am so sorry I have been so conditional with You- I am so sorry I have not loved You, I have felt entitled to happiness, a good life, and fulfillment- that You put me here and are required to ensure these things for me… when in reality You are not at all. But because You are love- You want more than anything to bring me happiness, goodness, and fulfillment- and You do, God. You do, God. You are my fulfillment in so many ways- because You take my eyes off myself and put them onto Your beauty, and I am so loved. Because I am not filled with my self, my feeble means, but rather Your Being, Your Glory and Your Life. I was meant to be filled with You, that which is so far Other than me, but so deeply loves me and so completely sustains me. That which is my very existence.

If everything were perfect and easy, I know I would be bored and long for a fight- because it is when we fight for something that we love it all the more, because we gave ourselves to it, we invested, we bore our souls, we were vulnerable and we cultivated an intimacy that is otherwise unknown- we have shared something of ourselves… love is not precious without a corresponding amount of pain for otherwise it would not be love. For love longs for Holiness, and Holiness requires a battle, blood even, because Holiness is Other from us and we have to fight for it. I think we are wired to fight for righteousness, perhaps through the Holy Spirit we are tweaked for battle, desiring of the arduous climb of our Ascent- unrelenting in our pursuit of God for we have this inkling that in His Presence we will be made new and given eternal life.

I share this with you because this is how Jesus has come to my Home this Advent 2008. He hasn't waved his magic cross wand and cured my family and me of our sin or healed anyone of their diseases- rather He has opened my eyes to life eternal in this lifetime, He has lifted my chin to gaze into Jesus eyes.

I told David yesterday that I am sensing more and more that life is really all about loving rather than being happy, dodging disaster, or surviving death- that it is loving others that I am truly fullfilled and ascend as Fulgentius so eloquently described.

This love, given freely, is inherently a painful blessing- for it brings me both joy and grief. And yet, I would not want to be anywhere else during this Advent than bearing this cross of love, just as Mary bore our God of Love.

May this Advent stir in Your hearts to wait evermore on our Lord and Savior as it has for me.

Peace and Merry Christmas!

Bethany

"Whoo Whoo" the Owl calls

I just came in from sitting outside in the dark listening to the owls discuss something of great importance. I would love to hear what walls would talk about, but owls- now that would be fun.

The night ended on good conversation with two great women I have befriended, Amber and her sister Allison. We watched Seabiscuit which left us feeling very good and hopeful. I am thankful for these women, whom I have really just met, and believe that it not to be coincidence that our paths have crossed.

Vicki took me out to dinner for a girl's night, which was just what I needed. Struggling for most of the day to rinse off the residue of an OCD attack, or as I affectionately put it: "spinning" is exhausting and can be very disheartening when done alone. It was good to have her there, to talk to, to do the Four Steps with, to simply admit that I had been battling and needed someone to speak the truth with me. She of course was more than obliging, she was thankful for my invitation into this place of darkness and within the first sips of our waters, the panic and trauma I had been carrying with me drained from my body and crawled out the door scratching its head at how it had lost this one. The night carried on with great fellowship and enjoyment of how God does work ever wondrous and mysterious ways in our lives.

I sense this work even as I write because just as Vicki appreciated, welcomed and encouraged me sharing my dark hole with her- so too, does the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Infact, he would have it no other way. For this, I love Him.

When I woke this morning, I began the Orthodox morning prayers and stopped mid-sentence because the urge to spin was overpowering. I think it was a lack of sleep because whenever I am tired, the OCD runs over me like a bull-dozer. But, I hadn't struggled like this in weeks and I have been doing the prayers for the same amount of time. So I was caught off guard, and that is never good when dealing with the Imp of the Mind. Alas, I fell back asleep and had some dreams!

First, I was reprimanding, if not yelling at my younger self. I was holding this little Bethany by the shoulders saying, "I will be there for you! I will be there for you!" Then, cut to a window and I am standing, not my younger self, this is me currently, standing watching as the sky turns muddy black, the clouds furiously march across and a storm is brewing. Then the clouds come at the window like a train and I don't flinch, but just as they graze the window- someone, I think my sister, Hannah, pushes me away and I fall to the floor. But, enticed as I am, I get up and go to the window to meet this barreling steam enemy, and as the clouds approach, they pass through the window and come at my face, steal my breath as I meekly mutter the whisper, "Jesus". The wind is knocked out of me and I fall to the floor. And the dream ends. I wake up and ask God to explain.

So here is what I sensed from the Lord immediately following: I am not to confront my fears, doubts, or OCD thoughts, I am not to engage them, I am not to reason or spin or "try and figure it out". God is saying to me, "Tell me your fears. Come to me and tell me when you are afraid, when you doubt me, when you feel the panic, when your throat is being zipped up and your chest is in a blender. Come to me, don't try to solve this on your own. Come to me." I sense that only the truth can set me free, the truth in the Four Steps.

And as far as talking to my younger self, weird as it may be, I think there is something there of real importance. Funny how I have no problem showering love and affection on little children, especially my nephew, Samuel (who, by the way is the cutest baby ever), but I would not do the same for myself. Instead of affirming, encouraging and lifting myself up with the Truth, I find myself consistently negligent in caring for Bethany, in really loving her. Why is that? Why does it seem so foreign, self-indulgent, even un-Christian, to love yourself as much as you do a friend, spouse, brother, or child? Aren't we to love our neighbors as ourselves? Where have we gone wrong, and how can we undue this?

Along these same lines, I have often contemplated, "God do you feel the same way about me as I feel about Samuel?" I have never fully been able to really accept this, take it in and rest in this kind of love, but I long to and I know that He is patient. As one can see, He is opening my heart to this love, even now... for this, I love Him.

Peace,