2 Years Approaching

So, it's been a while since I posted something, but I have been accumulating future posts in my brain hoping for the time to make them sound really smart and chic. HA HA HA! Time- what a joke! Instead of stock piling for later eloquent discourse- here is what has been percolating in my noggin:

- Grad School is wonderful! I love school and want to be paid to learn. :) Anyone else want to join me? Thank you God for nurturing our minds.


- What about worshipping God, walking with God with Pure Love, Pure Faith and Pure Hope as St. Theophan mentions? This is serious business and means dieing to myself in a way I haven't really wanted to explore... but the hardest step is the first and each day I am taking it! I want to worship God, love God, connect with God for WHO He is and not just WHAT He does or doesn't do for me. More to come on this topic...

- Is God ever NOT "doing"? Isn't He ALWAYS pouring forth His Love, Beauty, Goodness, Grace, and Salvation to all of Humanity all the TIME? And furthermore, isn't He every moment of every day giving us HIMSELF in His Son, Jesus? This is powerful stuff to take in... really take in. I think if I REALLY believed this, I would live sooo very differently and far more FREE!



And Tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful Mother's death. Still weird typing those words. Still feels like I am writing about another's loss- not my own. And yet, this past year, has been the hardest for me- much more permanent. Much more REAL. She is GONE (not in St. Louis or Door County or Iowa visiting dear friends and family.) And I can't call her, cuddle into her warm body, hold her sweet veiny hands, smell her skin, or be seen by her beautiful hazel eyes that went right to my soul and affirmed my being. I have LOST much in her and carry a sorrow in my soul... but the Beauty of it all is that Christ trampled down death by death! And God is showing me that He is my Life (not my family, not my relationships, not my externals) and Rock. And that it is possible to live this life with pain, loss, holes and still have joy, still marvel at the Beauty all around, still laugh till your sides ache, still love till it's hard to breathe and still let go of it all if Your Father allows or asks this. I have realized in a gut-level way that Life (and the Christian Life) is not about happiness or comforts or dreams come true or even really good, noble things you want to happen working out... but saying Yes to our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit and trusting (working out that salvation with fear, trembling, crying, cursing even at times) that He is far more invested in our True Being (Theosis- for those that are willing to entertain such a preposterous idea) than even we are... and in Him we are Home.

Thank you for reading!

My heart likes to ramble...

I went home last night to hang out with the good ole fam. I got to spend some time with my mom, she just got her head buzzed, the first time it was really weird, this second time it is still weird. Stephen and I watched a sci-fi classic, Aliens, till 3am and laughed till we cried watching Youtube videos.

I was greatly impressed with him, he returned his plasma screen tv, which he just got for Christmas, because as he put it "I decided tv wasn't adding anything to my life." He said he was thinking about selling his gaming consoles too because "there are much better things to do with my time." He is becoming a man... of wisdom! This is huge, especially since Dad is MIA for all practical purposes.

I am really excited to see Truth invading Stephen's comfort, it is encouraging to me, like God is saying "I am here, in this growth."

On a different note: This morning and afternoon were terrible, though. Thankfully all the therapy, healing prayer, and wisdom I have received over the years is paying off because I didn't get really involved in the dysfunction, I did end up playing "therapist" a bit, which isn't healthy- but overall, I felt like I was "part of the solution not the problem." And there is great freedom in realizing you can't, nor ever will change anyone, but yourself... sometimes you just have to walk away.

I didn't feel overwhelmed with despair even though the situation at home is despairing and desperate, for some reason I have been able to stay above the waters of depression- I think it is knowledge in action. The more I learn about emotional management (DBT), I know it sounds like psycho-babble, the more I am free, not controlled or undersiege to my fear, anxiety, depression or despair. The more I walk in the truth that my feelings do not determine my behaviors or reality for that matter, the happier I am. Thank you God for this truth.

Still though, I am burdened thinking of my mom. Homelife is a lot worse than I realized, it is really bad, really really bad- and I don't know what the solution(s) are, I don't even know where to begin. In the silence my heart wonders yet again, "God are you faithful, can I trust You, will You redeem this, where is Your salvation, I need You God, will You be enough, are You enough?" My heart likes to ramble when it wonders things about God.

Vicki told me on the phone today as I was driving away to ask God, "what is my next step here, what can be done, what can I do?" instead of trying to problem-solve on my own right now.

So, for this posting, I was hoping that you would join me in prayers for guidance, open doors, hearts and next steps. I need to see Him in this, leading us to "still waters".

Escape at all costs!

I work with this wonderful woman, Sue, who is training me in my position. She is from the area originally, but just recently moved here from California. She, like my mom, has battled breast cancer and been betrayed by an employer. She is a believer and said that her faith got her through. But it is devastating to her heart, mind and spirit.

Then, I also heard about John Fawcett, back home at church (Church of the Resurrection) and how his battle with cancer is going. And my heart is heavy with sadness, like the clouds are heavy with rain over these fields. I have been praying throughout the day for God to comfort and be with me, and I have sensed from Him that I just need to let myself feel these things. Feel this pain in and with His Presence. (Which as some of you may know, I hate pain and want to escape at all costs!)

At one point in the day, I had this experience where all this grief and suffering came rushing at me like a crashing wave set to destroy me, immediately I saw Christ, the Logos of God, with all His glory suffering on the cross. Even now as I write, tears come to my eyes because our God knows what it is to suffer! He knows what it is to die! He knows full well what it is to be disappointed, to hurt, to loose out, to be betrayed and wrongfully attacked. He really can empathize with us, He really can grieve with us. I believe that we cry because that is His own response. He shed the first tear, and He will wipe away the last.

What shall we do in the meantime? As we wait for the handkerchief of Heaven?
We shall worship.

We shall sing loudly, profoundly, mysteriously and reverently of the victory that we own and awaits. We shall proclaim with all the earth and heavens the glory of the Lord. We shall live as ministers, as the Royal Priesthood of the Most High King. We shall walk through the darkness of cancer, betrayal, missing a much loved boyfriend, and even death with the love and nearness of God propelling us forward. With His Truth setting us free, the Saints cheering us on, and the Spirit giving us song we will gallantly enter the final frontier more than conquerers. And then, we will see Him face-to-face.

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

Peace,

Not of guns and bombs

Well, I made it. Through my first day, I mean. It is as mind-numbing and boring as I thought, but oddly enough I am feeling okay about it. I know tomorrow when I start painting my nails with white out and re-enacting "Attack of the Clones" with paper clips, that I may think otherwise.

But really, I am feeling good about having a job where I have, as Vicki pointed out tonight, visable results. Besides, I do my job, make my money and leave it all behind. And I am thinking, that having a job which requires little energy will allow me to invest it elsewhere- in what I really am passionate about. Of course, it would be nice to work in my passion- but I am trusting God with this.

Speaking of trusting God, please pray for my family. My mom is out of work and as the main bread-winner this is scary. I don't want to get into too much of it here, you can talk to her about it, but really it is devastating. As if battling breast cancer this past year and my dad's disability wasn't enough!

Pray specifically, that God will open doors for her and my dad, that the truth will set them free from any lies or bondage of the enemy, that the love of God will pierce the fear, and that they will embrace their authority in Christ.

This is warfare, not of guns and bombs- but of the soul and spirit. And I keep coming back to the truth that God is Love- that in Him is no darkness, that He will not leave us high and dry, that He will not forsake us, for we are His Children- His precious Children. The following verse comes to mind:

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Selah
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
Psalm 46:1-5

At first as I read this, the beginning verse stuck out to me about the compassion of the Father, but then, as I continued reading, verses 4 and 5 really spoke to me. I don't know how theologically correct I am, but I just sensed that my mom, and really all believers are the "holy habitation of the Most High". He dwells within and among us, that we are in Him and He in us. This is the Church.

With that said, God is in the midst of us, we shall not be moved and God will help us when the morning dawns! As the Children of God- we are utterly safe in His love, protection, provision and strength. And that nothing... nothing, can mess with this- not even our failings, not even the harm inflicted upon us, and surely not even death.

Okay, so I will stop preaching. I just want to claim these promises on behalf of my mom- she is my hero, for she continues to stand firm in the faith that God is faithful, loving and sovereign.

Blessed be the name of the Lord on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be the name...


Peace,