How Jesus came to my home

Christ's Gift of Love

Yesterday we celebrated the birth in time of our eternal King. Today we celebrate the triumphant suffering of his soldier.

Yesterday our king, clothed in his robe of flesh, left his place in the virgin’s womb and graciously visited the world. Today his soldier leaves the tabernacle of his body and goes triumphantly to heaven.

Our king, despite his exalted majesty, came in humility for our sake; yet he did not come empty-handed. He brought his soldiers a great gift that not only enriched them but also made them unconquerable in battle, for it was the gift of love, which was to bring men to share in his divinity. He gave of his bounty, yet without any loss to himself. In a marvellous way he changed into wealth the poverty of his faithful followers while remaining in full possession of his own inexhaustible riches.

And so the love that brought Christ from heaven to earth raised Stephen from earth to heaven; shown first in the king, it later shone forth in his soldier. Love was Stephen’s weapon by which he gained every battle, and so won the crown signified by his name. His love of God kept him from yielding to the ferocious mob; his love for his neighbour made him pray for those who were stoning him. Love inspired him to reprove those who erred, to make them amend; love led him to pray for those who stoned him, to save them from punishment. Strengthened by the power of his love, he overcame the raging cruelty of Saul and won his persecutor on earth as his companion in heaven. In his holy and tireless love he longed to gain by prayer those whom he could not convert by admonition.

Now at last, Paul rejoices with Stephen, with Stephen he delights in the glory of Christ, with Stephen he exalts, with Stephen he reigns. Stephen went first, slain by the stones thrown by Paul, but Paul followed after, helped by the prayer of Stephen. This, surely, is the true life, my brothers, a life in which Paul feels no shame because of Stephen’s death, and Stephen delights in Paul’s companionship, for love fills them both with joy. It was Stephen’s love that prevailed over the cruelty of the mob, and it was Paul’s love that covered the multitude of his sins; it was love that won for both of them the kingdom of heaven.

Love, indeed, is the source of all good things; it is an impregnable defence,- and the way that leads to heaven. He who walks in love can neither go astray nor be afraid: love guides him, protects him, and brings him to his journey’s end.

My brothers, Christ made love the stairway that would enable all Christians to climb to heaven. Hold fast to it, therefore, in all sincerity, give one another practical proof of it, and by your progress in it, make your ascent together.

Fulgentius of Ruspe (462-527)

This was sent to me in an email from a beloved couple at our church. I read it just now and had to post it to my blog because it so eloquently describes what I sense God revealing to me this Advent.

Christmas was very difficult this year as we are facing a long road ahead of fighting this cancer battle with my mom. And as if that wasn't enough, my dad's health is also in jeopardy, my parents may be facing bankruptcy, I am terribly in debt and unemployed myself, and there is painful dysfunction eating away at our family relationships. I fought hard yesterday to not sink in despair.

I sat at our Rez's Christmas Vigil service with tears streaming down my face as I silently prayed, "God, where is your salvation in all of this? What does it look like, I don't want to miss it?" Surrounded by sickness of both the body, mind and soul within myself and my loved ones, I feel disheartened wondering where our faith in this Savior really gets us.

Father Stewart preached how sin is more than just making bad decisions, but it is bondage of our soul- it is non-existence. And that is exactly what I am most grieved by at this time. Death is imminent for all of us, but living in death is our choice. He told the assembly that Christ has come to our Home this day, and on my way home, I cried on the phone to David "I would love for Jesus to come to my house today."

Wanting so much for Jesus to rescue my family and me from our lies, sinful reactions, dysfunction and illness in this lifetime where He suddenly changes, transformes us into His image and we can love eachother selflessly the rest of our days- I despair because He does not promise this. His salvation, to my dismay, is not turning us into Righteous little Robots, rather His promise is to transform us into His image as much as we really, truly want Him to. As much of our dead selves we give Him, He will be faithful to enliven. And of course, this means, we fight the hard fight, we run the race and we ardusouly climb to our Ascent.

In a prayer, I wrote to God about my anger towards my family members, how they have gone wrong over the years, hurt me and each other, and what I long for them to do instead. After I got all of that off my chest, I wrote this:

I grieve more than just the cancer- I grieve the sin, dysfunction, and lies… I grieve the bondage my family is in. Father please show me how I can break free? Please show me how I can be a breath of fresh FREE air to each member of my family. How I can kidnap them to experience LIFE, truth and freedom from the sin that entangles their soul.

Father, my eyes are on You for righteousness- in repentance of going astray. Of my own sin, my own narcissism, and all the moments I have taken my gaze from You to the waves beneath me, dark water rising to me, and storm overtaking me… forgive me for my unrepentant heart these years, for blaming You, for being so consumed with my problems and needs that I refused to worship, to really see You, to really submit to You, and to really receive from You. I have withheld myself from You because of what was going on around me for I felt You had betrayed me.

I sense now more than ever that my despair over these years is really my own doing- that had I become a student of Christ, (practically spent time in His word), had I become a worshipper of Christ (however tearful, angry and confused), had I become a truster and cross-bearer of Christ (however fearful) I would not have wrestled God so much and wound up with years of depression. My resistance to submission, repentance, and worship brought me to despair- I blamed You for everything because You were supposed to save us from ourselves, rescue me, and make me happy.

I didn’t think the way to rescue was saying “yes” to You, the cross, suffering, and dieing to my flesh… I didn’t get that saying “yes” to You meant trusting You no matter what, meant loving You no matter what, meant discovering that in loving I am truly fulfilled and more happy than anything. That it is in loving that I am truly set free! That it is in loving those that hurt me, in loving those that disappoint me, in loving those that do not return love, in loving You who I fear isn’t real, in loving You when I am anxiously doubtful, in loving You when I am confused, angry and feel mislead, in loving David when I am angry, ashamed, and feel not good enough, in loving my sister when she is like darkness to my soul, in loving through the suffering of life, cancer, sin, lies and pain that I am set free from my own sin, emptiness, narcissism, unhappiness, and despair- that love heals a multitude of sins. That in loving all, I conquer all because Christ is in me, and I in Him.

I am sorry I have got it wrong these years- I am so sorry I have been so conditional with You- I am so sorry I have not loved You, I have felt entitled to happiness, a good life, and fulfillment- that You put me here and are required to ensure these things for me… when in reality You are not at all. But because You are love- You want more than anything to bring me happiness, goodness, and fulfillment- and You do, God. You do, God. You are my fulfillment in so many ways- because You take my eyes off myself and put them onto Your beauty, and I am so loved. Because I am not filled with my self, my feeble means, but rather Your Being, Your Glory and Your Life. I was meant to be filled with You, that which is so far Other than me, but so deeply loves me and so completely sustains me. That which is my very existence.

If everything were perfect and easy, I know I would be bored and long for a fight- because it is when we fight for something that we love it all the more, because we gave ourselves to it, we invested, we bore our souls, we were vulnerable and we cultivated an intimacy that is otherwise unknown- we have shared something of ourselves… love is not precious without a corresponding amount of pain for otherwise it would not be love. For love longs for Holiness, and Holiness requires a battle, blood even, because Holiness is Other from us and we have to fight for it. I think we are wired to fight for righteousness, perhaps through the Holy Spirit we are tweaked for battle, desiring of the arduous climb of our Ascent- unrelenting in our pursuit of God for we have this inkling that in His Presence we will be made new and given eternal life.

I share this with you because this is how Jesus has come to my Home this Advent 2008. He hasn't waved his magic cross wand and cured my family and me of our sin or healed anyone of their diseases- rather He has opened my eyes to life eternal in this lifetime, He has lifted my chin to gaze into Jesus eyes.

I told David yesterday that I am sensing more and more that life is really all about loving rather than being happy, dodging disaster, or surviving death- that it is loving others that I am truly fullfilled and ascend as Fulgentius so eloquently described.

This love, given freely, is inherently a painful blessing- for it brings me both joy and grief. And yet, I would not want to be anywhere else during this Advent than bearing this cross of love, just as Mary bore our God of Love.

May this Advent stir in Your hearts to wait evermore on our Lord and Savior as it has for me.

Peace and Merry Christmas!

Bethany

Awful of me, I know. I haven't posted to my blog in months. I am a sorry excuse for a blogger. Please forgive me, blogging gods and readers. Alas, I have returned, the prodigal blogger in an effort to better communicate with my community and contemplate together.

So the other night, David and I went to our dear friends house, Brian and Audra to celebrate the birth of their beautiful second son, Judah Kane. He was a week old and so precious while little brother Keenan, a little perplexed at all the attention given one so small and still. I surprised Keenan with a Tickle-Me-Elmo that brought a big grin, but by bed-time Elmo was on the floor with Keenan stepping on him to be quiet.

Besides being amazed at what great parents, Brian and Audra are with their patience, love and calm- I was really blessed by something they said in passing. Having Dr. Rossi as their pediatrician and obstetrician at Home First in Schaumburg, they were encouraged by him to "not to do anything for a child, that he can do for himself." This got me thinking... of course.

I walked out the door with this little pin-prick of a thought, "perhaps that is also how God is with us?" And it perfectly wraps up in a nutshell the truth planted in me this summer and that which I am living in.

God has spoken so much to me these past 7 months in Cedar Rapids, all lovingly pushing me out of the spiritual nest so to speak to fly on my own. And I have resisted, and resisted and begged for Him to carry me- to do the work for me. And His response to me has been "this is your salvation, Bethany, to step forward when everything in you says otherwise, to say "yes" to me when you're not even sure I am there."

I think just as a parent takes so much pride in their child's first steps, first words, even first poop in the potty- so does God (not the pooping part, of course). I really sense that He is proud of our fighting for our faith, when we have nothing left and choose to believe in Him- when we are disappointed and worship still, when we are grieved and choose to dance in His beauty, and when we are exasperated and choose to love.

With the terrible news of my mom's breast cancer metastatizing to her liver, ribs and spinal vertebrae- I look to Christ who conquered death by death. I am deeply comforted by Christ death in a way I have never been, and what a thing to say during Advent! The disciples were devastated, lost faith and utterly confused- while here I am rejoicing at His death because of His triumphant Resurrection, because our God not only knows death- but He has died, He has ventured to that darkness unbeknownst to us and come out victorious. I sense the Father saying to me, "Bethany, I have death covered, it is not too much for me to handle." And I want to take Him up on this, to trust Him with not only the death of my loved ones- but their lives too, my life too. That just as he can handle death, so He is able to walk me victoriously through this life.

And so that is what I am doing this Advent- saying "yes" to Him, believing in the darkness of life that He does love me and my family to the highest degree- that we have all His love, all the time- we have but, to look up and out, to speak aloud his promises, and turn our eyes to receive our inheritance with the saints.

Peace to you this Advent!