My heart likes to ramble...

I went home last night to hang out with the good ole fam. I got to spend some time with my mom, she just got her head buzzed, the first time it was really weird, this second time it is still weird. Stephen and I watched a sci-fi classic, Aliens, till 3am and laughed till we cried watching Youtube videos.

I was greatly impressed with him, he returned his plasma screen tv, which he just got for Christmas, because as he put it "I decided tv wasn't adding anything to my life." He said he was thinking about selling his gaming consoles too because "there are much better things to do with my time." He is becoming a man... of wisdom! This is huge, especially since Dad is MIA for all practical purposes.

I am really excited to see Truth invading Stephen's comfort, it is encouraging to me, like God is saying "I am here, in this growth."

On a different note: This morning and afternoon were terrible, though. Thankfully all the therapy, healing prayer, and wisdom I have received over the years is paying off because I didn't get really involved in the dysfunction, I did end up playing "therapist" a bit, which isn't healthy- but overall, I felt like I was "part of the solution not the problem." And there is great freedom in realizing you can't, nor ever will change anyone, but yourself... sometimes you just have to walk away.

I didn't feel overwhelmed with despair even though the situation at home is despairing and desperate, for some reason I have been able to stay above the waters of depression- I think it is knowledge in action. The more I learn about emotional management (DBT), I know it sounds like psycho-babble, the more I am free, not controlled or undersiege to my fear, anxiety, depression or despair. The more I walk in the truth that my feelings do not determine my behaviors or reality for that matter, the happier I am. Thank you God for this truth.

Still though, I am burdened thinking of my mom. Homelife is a lot worse than I realized, it is really bad, really really bad- and I don't know what the solution(s) are, I don't even know where to begin. In the silence my heart wonders yet again, "God are you faithful, can I trust You, will You redeem this, where is Your salvation, I need You God, will You be enough, are You enough?" My heart likes to ramble when it wonders things about God.

Vicki told me on the phone today as I was driving away to ask God, "what is my next step here, what can be done, what can I do?" instead of trying to problem-solve on my own right now.

So, for this posting, I was hoping that you would join me in prayers for guidance, open doors, hearts and next steps. I need to see Him in this, leading us to "still waters".

More than enough.

Happy New Year!
We had a great night at HMS Berkley with the Watch Night Service Father Rudi officiated. It was a great way to ring in 2009. I was especially blessed that night to get more business for The GreenClean Maid and potential full-time work. The Lord is really providing for me the more I trust Him. Wow! What d'ya know, trusting God actually works:)

I had such a wonderful day today too visiting with a couple from church that I hadn't known much about, but had prayed for me before. It was so encouraging hearing their story of trusting God in the midst of battle, suffering, cancer, and unexpected crisis. The best part for me is realizing how all those times they prayed for me at church, they too were fighting for faith, when I assumed that their lives must be so great and they themselves unfettered by suffering. Don't misunderstand me, I am not rejoicing in others' suffering, rather, in how amazing God's provision is for those who allow Him to provide as He knows is best.

My friend did this, she let God into her pain and vulnerability and fear and He met her with love and strength. From this wellspring she drew to pray for me and so many others.

I sat there rejoicing in my friends' story, but this little pinch inside poked, "does anything go well for Christians? Can we count on anything being prosperous?" It is difficult for me to see godly Christians with repentant hearts encounter such loss, I get afraid realizing more and more that no matter how hard I may try, no matter how much therapy or prayer I go through, I will inevitably continue to screw up, hurt those I love the most and experience unexplainable loss. I start to feel despair in the face of this and that is when I have learned I need to look up and out at Christ.

In answering this little pinch, I tell "her" the truth about God's provision, how we can count on Him making all things new, how He keeps His promise for LIFE and how the one thing that does go well for Christians is the love they share with and receive from God through all the risings and settings of the sun. And how this is really more than enough.


Lord, I believe, help thou, my unbelief.