A Beautiful Day

It was gorgeous outside today- perfect for a top-down convertible drive to the cemetery, Mom's favorite restaurant (Egg Harbor, of course!), and stopping by the house for photo album reminiscing and antique admiring. Kathy came with me, she has adopted me- or rather, I have adopted her!

I feel so blessed and loved by God through her and my growing community of mothers and sisters. This past year, I have really prioritized sisterhood and God has brought so many wonderful women into my life. My life is rich because of the relationships I am so blessed to participate in.


No one can replace my mom, the love and intimacy I had with her, how she "got me" more than any other woman- and I have wrestled with God over how desperately I need this knowing, this intimacy in my life. My soul cries out for that human connection, how when your eyes meet its like you are home, and your Being is cradled lovingly. My mom cradled me in her arms, her words cradled my heart and her eyes cradled my soul. He is showing me that my need is real and there is a huge hole in my heart, but that if I am open and willing (key ingredient) He can and will bring new love, new relationships, new joys, laughter and depth into my soul. I won't ever have what I had with my mom, and God won't "fill her shoes" in some magical way, but He can and is providing love and intimacy with others.

And the extra special part: being loved by the family of God isn't assumed by blood relation, but by His Spirit in us. It has been really special being loved by Kathy, Vicki and Carol this year- because none of these women are vested to me in the way my mom was (and I am not diminishing the love of a mother), but rather making a point to highlight how their love for me is independent of relation- they like me and choose me for family! This makes me cry because it is really good to be Chosen. I am believing- experiencing how the Family of God can bring deep healing to those that have lost their family.

There will always I think be a part of our hearts that cry out for more intimacy, though. We deeply long to be known and to know... we yearn for affirmation for our being, for love just because we exist, and adoration at who we are. I accept this nagging longing. I affirm this even, because it speaks of that part of our hearts that are Home only in God- who is the Being, who is the Existing One.

You have made us for Yourself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You. (St. Augustine)

My mom rests fully now.


Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ (1 Peter)

2 Years Approaching

So, it's been a while since I posted something, but I have been accumulating future posts in my brain hoping for the time to make them sound really smart and chic. HA HA HA! Time- what a joke! Instead of stock piling for later eloquent discourse- here is what has been percolating in my noggin:

- Grad School is wonderful! I love school and want to be paid to learn. :) Anyone else want to join me? Thank you God for nurturing our minds.


- What about worshipping God, walking with God with Pure Love, Pure Faith and Pure Hope as St. Theophan mentions? This is serious business and means dieing to myself in a way I haven't really wanted to explore... but the hardest step is the first and each day I am taking it! I want to worship God, love God, connect with God for WHO He is and not just WHAT He does or doesn't do for me. More to come on this topic...

- Is God ever NOT "doing"? Isn't He ALWAYS pouring forth His Love, Beauty, Goodness, Grace, and Salvation to all of Humanity all the TIME? And furthermore, isn't He every moment of every day giving us HIMSELF in His Son, Jesus? This is powerful stuff to take in... really take in. I think if I REALLY believed this, I would live sooo very differently and far more FREE!



And Tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful Mother's death. Still weird typing those words. Still feels like I am writing about another's loss- not my own. And yet, this past year, has been the hardest for me- much more permanent. Much more REAL. She is GONE (not in St. Louis or Door County or Iowa visiting dear friends and family.) And I can't call her, cuddle into her warm body, hold her sweet veiny hands, smell her skin, or be seen by her beautiful hazel eyes that went right to my soul and affirmed my being. I have LOST much in her and carry a sorrow in my soul... but the Beauty of it all is that Christ trampled down death by death! And God is showing me that He is my Life (not my family, not my relationships, not my externals) and Rock. And that it is possible to live this life with pain, loss, holes and still have joy, still marvel at the Beauty all around, still laugh till your sides ache, still love till it's hard to breathe and still let go of it all if Your Father allows or asks this. I have realized in a gut-level way that Life (and the Christian Life) is not about happiness or comforts or dreams come true or even really good, noble things you want to happen working out... but saying Yes to our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit and trusting (working out that salvation with fear, trembling, crying, cursing even at times) that He is far more invested in our True Being (Theosis- for those that are willing to entertain such a preposterous idea) than even we are... and in Him we are Home.

Thank you for reading!