I feel so blessed and loved by God through her and my growing community of mothers and sisters. This past year, I have really prioritized sisterhood and God has brought so many wonderful women into my life. My life is rich because of the relationships I am so blessed to participate in.
No one can replace my mom, the love and intimacy I had with her, how she "got me" more than any other woman- and I have wrestled with God over how desperately I need this knowing, this intimacy in my life. My soul cries out for that human connection, how when your eyes meet its like you are home, and your Being is cradled lovingly. My mom cradled me in her arms, her words cradled my heart and her eyes cradled my soul. He is showing me that my need is real and there is a huge hole in my heart, but that if I am open and willing (key ingredient) He can and will bring new love, new relationships, new joys, laughter and depth into my soul. I won't ever have what I had with my mom, and God won't "fill her shoes" in some magical way, but He can and is providing love and intimacy with others.
And the extra special part: being loved by the family of God isn't assumed by blood relation, but by His Spirit in us. It has been really special being loved by Kathy, Vicki and Carol this year- because none of these women are vested to me in the way my mom was (and I am not diminishing the love of a mother), but rather making a point to highlight how their love for me is independent of relation- they like me and choose me for family! This makes me cry because it is really good to be Chosen. I am believing- experiencing how the Family of God can bring deep healing to those that have lost their family.
There will always I think be a part of our hearts that cry out for more intimacy, though. We deeply long to be known and to know... we yearn for affirmation for our being, for love just because we exist, and adoration at who we are. I accept this nagging longing. I affirm this even, because it speaks of that part of our hearts that are Home only in God- who is the Being, who is the Existing One.
My mom rests fully now.
You have made us for Yourself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You. (St. Augustine)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 (1 Peter)
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