More Pictures of Mom

This is Annie (Mom's baby sister, who flew up from Texas to be with her) and Aunt Bernie (one of Dad's sisters, who came to stay over many nights to help). Mom had just woken up from her nap in her own bed! We had gotten help from friends to carry her up the stairs, it took three people. She really wanted to be in her own bed in her bedroom. In this picture we were helping her go through all her jewelry and picking out her clothes for the visitation and funeral. I think we were all numb.


Or slap happy! I don't know what I am laughing about in this picture, but I just love that I am laughing with Mom.


She raised her hands for this picture impromtu. I think she wanted a picture of her praising God, for us to remember that she kept praising Him... unto the very end. Amen!



I know it's dark, but I love her eyes and expression in this picture. Annie is talking and Mom is looking on her with such love. Mom was such a good, patient, attentive listener. She loved me with her listening.

Mom and her boy.


Mom and her girls.

Hannah and Mom.

Pictures of Mom

This was just a few days before she went to be with Jesus and He gave her eternal Life.

This hibiscus flower is from Mom's garden! She had just planted it this year and the blossom was magnificent. I picked her fresh flowers from her garden every few days because they just kept blooming. What I would give to pick her flowers again!

Achingly so

So, one month came and went.  And yesterday, the 27th was my Dad's 58th birthday!  Happy Birthday, Dad!

I have been going, a lot.  I have been doing a lot.  I have been "up and about" ... a lot.  And I haven't felt much.  Which has been nice, but God is slowing me down.  And I am feeling more.  Hurting more.  Missing her... achingly so.

This weekend at Church, I prayed and asked God why no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get on top of finances, my time management, and my eating habits.  I am a very undisciplined person and I am beyond frustration about it, I am exasperated... bewildered.  I think God told me that I need to slow down.  That I can't possibly expect myself to be on top of these things at the pace at which I have been surviving my life (not living, mind you).  I think He told me that if I slow down and hold off on all my very ambitious goals, that I will find myself more whole and perhaps disciplined than before?!  I get the impression this isn't just a seasonal slowing down, this is a way of life thing, a "stop adding another thing to your life and just be" kind of recommendation. 

I am not very good at just "be-ing".  I am an anxious, fidgety, high energy, extroverted-to-a-fault, effervescent kind of woman.  Slowing down and just "be-ing" isn't in my repertoire... I need a manual, a to-do list, some verb that I can latch onto!  Sitting and breathing aren't good enough.  Is "stilling" a verb?  I don't think so.

This is where I am at... avoiding being still.  Avoiding "being".  And I know God has been nudging me to this for years.  And I think I need it more now than ever.  A good book on this: Invitation to Solitude and Silence, read it if you are also considering "stilling" yourself.

My Eulogy for Mom

My Eulogy for Mom

Bethany Gates

September 26th, 2009

My Mother, Bonnie Ann, was the most beautiful woman I have ever known.

She always had a smile on her face, sparkly eyes, a word of encouragement, and a hug.  She was known by so many as a tender nurse who not only bandaged up your wounds, but spoke to your heart and gave the flame of your faith more kindling.  I remember her telling me, these past three years, as she would go off to work at the hospital, that she just wanted to be Jesus to her patients, to love them.  I asked her how she got through working those shifts, when she herself was in so much pain from treatments, she told me it was because of God's love for her, Jesus sacrifice on the cross for her, and His calling on her to love any and everyone he brought to her path.  This was my mother. 

 

My Mother was known by many as a faithful friend; who wanted the best for you, even if it meant saying things you didn't want to hear.  She was the kind of friend, who saw you in the light of Christ, who called out the best in you, and who believed in you when even you couldn't believe in yourself.  She was the kind of friend that would go "deep" in conversation, swimming through the mysteries of God, life and the human struggle, as well as the kind of friend that would also enjoy a quiet stroll outside, shopping for treasures, her beloved antiques, eating ice cream, and laughing over a cup of coffee.  This was my mother.

  

My Mother was known as a fun mom, who threw amazing birthday parties.  Not just one party, no; with mom, we had a friend party with all our 20+ classmates at some exciting, over-priced, over-stimulating, area kiddie attraction and a family party with all our aunts, uncles and cousins.  I remember numerous birthday parties, where Mom made me feel so special, each card, each gift, each candle was filled with so much forethought, love and excitement over my life.  This was my Mother.

 

For me, I knew my mother as a loving, nurturing, inspiring, faith-filled woman.  She was my biggest fan, and knew and loved me better than anyone.  My relationship with my mother has been the closest, most intimate of my life, for she knew me in the womb- all my idiosyncrasies, strengths and weaknesses.  She never ceased to affirm me, to speak into me who God made me to be, to remind me what was true.  She believed in me and loved me when I couldn't believe or love myself.  This was my Mother.

 

In addition, my mom taught me about Jesus, not just with words and Scripture, but with her touch, her listening ear, her attentive eyes, her warm voice, her hugs and kisses, and her heart that exuded the grace which she knew herself from God.  When I think about why I believe in God, why I trust Jesus, and why I love Jesus, the first thing that comes to mind is the childhood my parents gave me.  Through their 32 year marriage of commitment in the peaks and valleys of life, my parents gave my siblings and me a safe space to call home, to be free and loved into our person-hood, given wings to take flight.

It is in the childhood my mother gave me, that I first knew love and came to know God.  A childhood filled with laughter, cuddles, sillyness, prayers, make believe, and just enough discipline to still feel free.  I experienced the Presence of God through my mother and her steadfast commitment to my family and me.  She lived her life from the love she knew in her own walk with Jesus and generously spread this love to all who crossed her path. 

 

With her cancer diagnosis, I really saw my Mother's true character come forward.  She wanted a miracle from God, and didn't stop believing He could do it, and yet she yielded herself over to Him regardless.  Ultimately, she knew He was her Sustainer, she let herself and her days be unto Him. 

 

None of us wanted this, especially my Mother, she wanted more time to give, to love.  And I am tempted to despair, but something inside me says, "No, Jesus has been here too and He made a way through this."  This Something Inside, spurs me on to consider how Jesus too, asked for "this cup" to be passed from him, how he didn't want to die either and yet he surrendered himself to God.  And so did my Mother.  She never stopped praying, praising and loving God.  Each trial pushed her deeper and deeper into her relationship with Him, which really is all she ever needed and wanted.  This was my Mother.

 

As I grieve this tragic loss, I can honestly say there are not words for this kind of pain, just a soul cry deep in my gut.  I will miss her.  

 

In the book, The Wounds of God, Penelope Wilcock writes, "We can offer no solutions, no easy answers, to other people's tragedies…It is Jesus they need, and even he offers no answers.  He offers Himself.  It is when people find their way through to him that the pain of their life becomes the pain not of death, but of birth.  A thing of hope."  This was my Mother.

 

--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

Obituary

Hello Family and Friends,

I am sending you the link for the Daily Herald:
Bonnie's Obituary


Thank you,
Bethany
 
--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

Update on Bonnie Gates Funeral Services

Hello dear family and friends,

I have not been able to check either my emails or voice mails today, but thank you all for your faithful love and prayers through this time.  I miss Mom greatly, but am trusting Jesus with the rest.

Love you all,
Bethany

Here is the Updated and Changed Information:

Visitation: Friday September 25th, 2009 
4-8pm, 5pm-6pm Prayer and Sharing (Tentatively lead by Pastor Ted Olsen)

Location:
Frederich's Funeral Home
320 W Central Rd
Mt Prospect, IL 60056-2404
(847) 255-7800

Flowers:
Busse Florist: Mt. Prospect 847-259-2210 (Account is under Bonnie Gates)

Memorial Service: Saturday September 26th, 2009 @ 10am
(Officiated by Rev. Matthew Pechanio of Church of the Resurrection, Glen Ellyn)

Location:
The Orchard Evangelical Free Church Arlington Heights, 1330 N. Douglas Avenue, IL 60004
847-392-4840

*Grave Site Ceremony to follow the Memorial Service at St. John's Cemetery in Arlington Heights
** Luncheon Reception for All, to follow the Grave Site Ceremony, back at The Orchard Church





--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

I love you, Mom

Dear friends and family,

Stephen and I are writing this to you with tear stained faces and heavy hearts.  Our Mother, Bonnie Ann (McLennan) Gates has passed this evening with her family by her side.  More information will follow, but for now Thursday, Visitation and Wake service at Frederich's funeral home.  Friday 10am, Memorial Service at The Orchard Evangelical Free Church in Arlington Heights.   

Please pray for us (Joseph, Bethany, Hannah, Stephen, Samuel, Roderick and Marilyn McLennan) at this time. There are no words for this kind of thing.  All we want to do is honor our Mother's beautiful life, love for the Lord, commitment to her family and servant heart. 

 Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners.  Amen.

Bethany and Stephen

Brief Update on Bonnie and Family

Hello,

This will be brief, as I am off to bed. 

We got word yesterday from the Hospice RN that Mom is in a coma, and has 24-48 hours.  My grandparents, Rod and Marilyn McLennan arrived safely from North Carolina yesterday, and friends from Iowa, Mike and Vicki Brooks as well.  My brother, Stephen and sister, Hannah, and Dad, along with dear friend, Debbie, are all staying at the house, keeping vigil.

We had a wonderful time last night as a family (with great friends too) enjoying dinner, praying and worshiping by Mom's bedside with Rev. Matthew Pechanio leading a short prayer service.

It was a beautiful time and I know Mom would be so pleased and contented with all this love and worship to God.  That was her heart.

This all feels too soon, I know I am not ready.  A lot of fear, anxiety, doubt, and question has gotten stirred up in my soul the past few days.  I am just asking Jesus to hold me fast, that is really all I can do.

  Thank you,
 Bethany

Re: From today

Hello Friends and Family,

I have set up a Lotsa Helping Hands website to stay connected to all of you and coordinate our needs.  Please go to this website: http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/617874/ and sign up on the right hand side of the form, this is the Request to Join the Community.

Once you've done this, I will begin to receive emails back stating that there are "pending members".  Then I will "approve" you as a member and you can access the site at any time, and sign up for various tasks.  As a member you will be automatically added to the Friends of Bonnie Gates and Family community and sent instructions for setting a password and signing-in.

I realize that we are in the last leg of this journey and Mom will be going home soon, but I know our family will need all the support we can get in the following months- especially around the holidays and when Dad gets the house ready for sale.

So much change.  Lord, have mercy.

Love,
Bethany

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 12:19 AM, bethany gates <bethanygates@gmail.com> wrote:

Dear friends and family,

Thank you all for the outpouring of support, I feel very loved.  If you feel so inclined, please email or call my Dad, Joe at joemg51@gmail.com or 847-845-1648. 

Good news from today:

An amazing answer to prayer- the employee assistance program through Mom's work within Advocate Medical approved 24 hour care giving for us!  This is huge, we didn't even ask for it- rather I put a call in today for weekend help during the night hours, as we all need some sleep- and then within one business day (which never happens) we get tons more than we ever thought possible.  It is a big deal to get this, because it is completely paid for.  Praise God!  We get to be just family now... and sleep.

In addition, Mom was still very lucid today and responsive, though barely speaking.  We had an amazing time as a family tonight; my dad, brother (Stephen), sister (Hannah) and I gathered around Mom and poured our hearts out to her about what we were thankful for about her, how much we loved her, favorite childhood memories, how her legacy of faith and love for God has influenced all of us so much and been the greatest gift of all, and things we needed forgiveness for.  It was truly sacred and precious, I will never forget this time all my life.   

For those of you that knew my mom and did not, I wanted to share with you how her love, unconditional affirmation and acceptance, and consistent belief in me is what pointed me to the Father's love.  She has been my biggest fan and cheerleader, believing in me when I wasn't deserving and didn't believe in myself, seeing me with the Father's eyes.  There is no other love like that which flows from the Trinity, and I have tasted this in my relationship with my mother.  Her tender love, affection, ability to "see" into me, and call out what is true are the foundation stones around the Cornerstone of my life and womanhood.  

Please continue to thank God for this amazing woman, and how her love for God will produce a great harvest. 

In regards to prayer requests:
- Her pain is better managed, and now with consistent care-giving some of the problems we were having are resolved.  Thank you God for this abundant provision!
- Please pray for my dad, that God provides community for him to grieve freely, especially once Mom passes.
- Please pray for my sister, Hannah and brother, Stephen, that God provides them with ease in logistics pertaining to their college and work responsibilities.  Specifically, that Hannah can get more shifts covered at Starbucks to be with all us.
- Please pray that my mom's parents, Rod and Marilyn McLennan arrive safely on Friday as they are driving in from North Carolina.
- Please pray that I make time to slow down and just be with God... in this.  It is so much easier to go, go, go.

Thank you again.

Peace of Christ,
Bethany

Sent 9-14-09:

Please pray for Bonnie as she awoke twice in the night and once just now with "terrible pain", a "7" on a pain scale of 10.  We will meet with the Hospice RN for advice and probably increase the frequency of her pain medication.  I was able to get some soft food down and give her some medication, but her swallowing ability is weakening. 

Please pray that she is able to go to the bathroom and get some relief from the buildup in her bowels, the ascites (fluid retention) is back.

We had a wonderful time with her last night, Dad, Stephen, David, Rebecca and I sat with her for 1 hour as she wanted us to wake her up, so she could be with us.  I rubbed her hands and feet, we talked and laughed, and then David played and sang some of his songs and a few others.  We closed with the song, "We Love You, Lord" and prayer, Stephen annointed Mom's head with oil. 

It was a precious time and I desperately want more this week.

With Christ,
Bethany 

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: bethany gates <bethanygates@gmail.com>

- Show quoted text -

Date: Sun, Sep 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Subject: Blessed Times
To: prayerchain@churchrez.org, Annie <ladydi105@att.net>, Deborah Royse <dlrcjr@yahoo.com>, Joe Gates <joemg51@gmail.com>, sgates786@gmail.com, Hannah Gates <samsam_hjg@hotmail.com>, Grandpa Mac <gfrorymc1@yahoo.com>, Uncle Bill and Jo Schuster <Mutenbill@dpcarch.com>, Mike and Vicki <michaelbrooks5@msn.com>, Bob & Barb Gates <twovettfam@sbcglobal.net>, Bernadette Gates <detta53@yahoo.com>, sarahdr@alumni.unc.edu, Olsen Web Design <amandalaine@gmail.com>, Amber Allan <miz_duncan@hotmail.com>, jeanneleigh@yahoo.com, eirik olsen <eirik@jacobsrefuge.com>, Tsinia Borgman <tsinia.borgman@gmail.com>, jamie <southy1777@aol.com>


Hello again,

More blessed times with my mom.  Thank you God.  She picked out her funeral dress, and we went through jewelry tonight for each of us kids.  We sang a few hymns to her.  And cried through it all.  She is more beautiful now than ever, and I wouldn't want to be any where else in the world.  Thank you God for this time. 

My Aunt Bernie is here, one of Dad's sisters, she has come to give me a night off from being "on call".  It is so great having my Aunt Bernie and Diane here.  We made brownies and laughed our way through funny stories about my mom and dad, as we oohed and ahhed over their wedding album.  Mom would've loved this and planted this passion for family and history in me, not to mention brownies.

Mom is in her bed sleeping now beside Dad in her very own bedroom; she told us last night she wanted to die in her bed in her bedroom.  So, we had some wonderful friends come over and carry Mom up the stairs wrapped in a sheet, kind of like the crippled man being lowered to Jesus through the roof- I understand that story more now.  It was such a joyous event for Mom to rest in her bed, she beamed with a big smile when she awoke at 6pm with energy to be with us.  She thanked God for getting her there and for all the people that helped her.  Jesus didn't heal her today like the crippled man, but he gave her beautiful rest in her precious bedroom with my dad sleeping beside her.     

Healing in the Scriptures has been so easy for me to gloss over in years past, it is hugely penetrating to my heart comprehending in my little way how our God became Man and walked around healing really desperate, hurting, sick people.  I think I have undermined God's heart for the hurting.  And yet, I struggle to trust Him for His Promise of a faithful, abiding Presence and sure Transformation when I hear Mom say "God is taking me away."

Her hibiscus bush, new this year, has had two huge 10" bright pink blooms and her hydrangeas just keep on coming.  I picked a bunch of flowers, including the hibiscus and she gasped at how magnificently beautiful they were- and then she said with a longing beyond words, "God is taking me away".  At this point my Aunt Diane and I burst into tears at Mom's feet- I was overwhelmed with grief and haunted by the question "God why don't you heal her? you are taking her away by not healing her" and so I did what I could only do, cry out to Him with my Aunt and Mom this very conflict. 

Friends and Family, I really don't understand why this is all happening, I don't know why God is allowing this and I am terrified at the mountain size hole in my heart and life and family her dieing will create... and I want so much to have sure faith in God's goodness and ever faithfulness, but more and more I am feeling like Jesus, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  And I recall something Mario Bergner shared at Redeemed Lives a few years ago, how when Jesus cried this out on the cross, he didn't really want the answer, "You are the atonement for the sins of the world, remember Jesus, we agreed on this,"  no, He really wanted God's Very Presence With Him- He wanted that Oneness He had known before the foundations of the world, the kind of Intimacy and Love that breathes life into the dead, that expels all darkness, where fear and shame have no ground and the Unbearable is Bearable.  And because of Jesus, I can have God's Presence with me in my own "Unbearable"- please pray on this, that I will open myself more to receive God's Presence, that the eyes of my heart will be enlightened that I may know what is the hope to which he has called me, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints (Eph 1:18).

I realize that God doesn't give us answers most of the time, probably because no answer or reason would be enough to assuage our deep pain and agony in this life, but instead He gives us Himself.  Please pray that my family can go here- that we can still ourselves enough to let His Presence dwell with us. 

On that note, I am off to bed, having had only 4 hours of sleep.  Thank you all!

Peace of Christ,

Bethany

Hello prayer partners,

Thank you for all the support, I continually marvel at how loving and responsive Church of the Resurrection has been to my family's needs. 

Here is the update:

Mom has been a lot more lucid and peaceable the past few days, now that we switched to a better pain medicine and with all the "spiritual sleep" she has been getting.  A colleague friend of my dad's told me that the sleep, though inordinate, is a sacred time and space for Mom to work out things with God and come to fuller peace- almost like while her body sleeps, her soul is communing with God and He is transforming her.  I thought that was so beautiful and true because when we are asleep our very busy reasoning minds are at peace, for God to do His work in our hearts.  This has really touched me at this time because I want more than anything for my Mom to sense the Lord's Presence with her, his faithfulness to her.

Thankfully, I have been able to leave my cleaning business to my amazing crew of women, fellow rez attenders, (Rebecca Hexom, Johannah Swank, and Alysa Luoendee).  Praise God for faithful, hard-working friends!  Being self-employed has allowed me such flexibility, I am amazed how the timing worked out this way- though difficult and more stressful than I have ever experienced, God has provided.

With this time, I have been busy taking care of mom, coordinating relief care-givers, and planning the funeral with mom and dad.  There has been some fun too: I gave mom a pedicure and manicure last night, while we talked openly about things, more openly than we have before.  Please continue to pray that God clears her mind so that my siblings, dad and me can have more lucid times with her.  When she was admitted to the hospital she was very confused, hallucinating and delirious- I have been hoping that would lift and we would get "mom" back mentally, even if momentarily, I am thankful and surprised by this event now. 

My Aunt Diane, my mom's youngest sister, flew in from Houston yesterday and has been such a comfort and blessing.  She is a prayer warrior and continues to point all of us to Jesus.  Pray for her family back home, Kevin (husband), Tyler (18), Kolbie (15), and Justin (13) as they are sharing her with us. 

And lastly, please pray for me and the Gates and McLennan families as we enter into grieving more- I have been so busy lately that I haven't slowed down much to feel, by choice and circumstances.  And within the past 48 hours, my numbness wall has begun to crumble- leaving way for the pain to pour in, slowly and like a rush at times.  I am savoring these moments, with her still breathing, still warm to the touch- and the tears that stain our cheeks.  This is sacred ground, I know, Gethsemane comes to mind.  Please continue to worship God for how He is completing the good work he began in my mom when she was 3 years old, and ask him for more sacred grieving for all of us.

Peace of Christ.

In Jesus Name, Our Suffering God,
Bethany

--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

From today

Dear friends and family,

Thank you all for the outpouring of support, I feel very loved.  If you feel so inclined, please email or call my Dad, Joe at joemg51@gmail.com or 847-845-1648. 

Good news from today:

An amazing answer to prayer- the employee assistance program through Mom's work within Advocate Medical approved 24 hour care giving for us!  This is huge, we didn't even ask for it- rather I put a call in today for weekend help during the night hours, as we all need some sleep- and then within one business day (which never happens) we get tons more than we ever thought possible.  It is a big deal to get this, because it is completely paid for.  Praise God!  We get to be just family now... and sleep.

In addition, Mom was still very lucid today and responsive, though barely speaking.  We had an amazing time as a family tonight; my dad, brother (Stephen), sister (Hannah) and I gathered around Mom and poured our hearts out to her about what we were thankful for about her, how much we loved her, favorite childhood memories, how her legacy of faith and love for God has influenced all of us so much and been the greatest gift of all, and things we needed forgiveness for.  It was truly sacred and precious, I will never forget this time all my life.   

For those of you that knew my mom and did not, I wanted to share with you how her love, unconditional affirmation and acceptance, and consistent belief in me is what pointed me to the Father's love.  She has been my biggest fan and cheerleader, believing in me when I wasn't deserving and didn't believe in myself, seeing me with the Father's eyes.  There is no other love like that which flows from the Trinity, and I have tasted this in my relationship with my mother.  Her tender love, affection, ability to "see" into me, and call out what is true are the foundation stones around the Cornerstone of my life and womanhood.  

Please continue to thank God for this amazing woman, and how her love for God will produce a great harvest. 

In regards to prayer requests:
- Her pain is better managed, and now with consistent care-giving some of the problems we were having are resolved.  Thank you God for this abundant provision!
- Please pray for my dad, that God provides community for him to grieve freely, especially once Mom passes.
- Please pray for my sister, Hannah and brother, Stephen, that God provides them with ease in logistics pertaining to their college and work responsibilities.  Specifically, that Hannah can get more shifts covered at Starbucks to be with all us.
- Please pray that my mom's parents, Rod and Marilyn McLennan arrive safely on Friday as they are driving in from North Carolina.
- Please pray that I make time to slow down and just be with God... in this.  It is so much easier to go, go, go.

Thank you again.

Peace of Christ,
Bethany

Sent 9-14-09:

Please pray for Bonnie as she awoke twice in the night and once just now with "terrible pain", a "7" on a pain scale of 10.  We will meet with the Hospice RN for advice and probably increase the frequency of her pain medication.  I was able to get some soft food down and give her some medication, but her swallowing ability is weakening. 

Please pray that she is able to go to the bathroom and get some relief from the buildup in her bowels, the ascites (fluid retention) is back.

We had a wonderful time with her last night, Dad, Stephen, David, Rebecca and I sat with her for 1 hour as she wanted us to wake her up, so she could be with us.  I rubbed her hands and feet, we talked and laughed, and then David played and sang some of his songs and a few others.  We closed with the song, "We Love You, Lord" and prayer, Stephen annointed Mom's head with oil. 

It was a precious time and I desperately want more this week.

With Christ,
Bethany 

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: bethany gates <bethanygates@gmail.com>

- Show quoted text -

Date: Sun, Sep 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Subject: Blessed Times
To: prayerchain@churchrez.org, Annie <ladydi105@att.net>, Deborah Royse <dlrcjr@yahoo.com>, Joe Gates <joemg51@gmail.com>, sgates786@gmail.com, Hannah Gates <samsam_hjg@hotmail.com>, Grandpa Mac <gfrorymc1@yahoo.com>, Uncle Bill and Jo Schuster <Mutenbill@dpcarch.com>, Mike and Vicki <michaelbrooks5@msn.com>, Bob & Barb Gates <twovettfam@sbcglobal.net>, Bernadette Gates <detta53@yahoo.com>, sarahdr@alumni.unc.edu, Olsen Web Design <amandalaine@gmail.com>, Amber Allan <miz_duncan@hotmail.com>, jeanneleigh@yahoo.com, eirik olsen <eirik@jacobsrefuge.com>, Tsinia Borgman <tsinia.borgman@gmail.com>, jamie <southy1777@aol.com>


Hello again,

More blessed times with my mom.  Thank you God.  She picked out her funeral dress, and we went through jewelry tonight for each of us kids.  We sang a few hymns to her.  And cried through it all.  She is more beautiful now than ever, and I wouldn't want to be any where else in the world.  Thank you God for this time. 

My Aunt Bernie is here, one of Dad's sisters, she has come to give me a night off from being "on call".  It is so great having my Aunt Bernie and Diane here.  We made brownies and laughed our way through funny stories about my mom and dad, as we oohed and ahhed over their wedding album.  Mom would've loved this and planted this passion for family and history in me, not to mention brownies.

Mom is in her bed sleeping now beside Dad in her very own bedroom; she told us last night she wanted to die in her bed in her bedroom.  So, we had some wonderful friends come over and carry Mom up the stairs wrapped in a sheet, kind of like the crippled man being lowered to Jesus through the roof- I understand that story more now.  It was such a joyous event for Mom to rest in her bed, she beamed with a big smile when she awoke at 6pm with energy to be with us.  She thanked God for getting her there and for all the people that helped her.  Jesus didn't heal her today like the crippled man, but he gave her beautiful rest in her precious bedroom with my dad sleeping beside her.     

Healing in the Scriptures has been so easy for me to gloss over in years past, it is hugely penetrating to my heart comprehending in my little way how our God became Man and walked around healing really desperate, hurting, sick people.  I think I have undermined God's heart for the hurting.  And yet, I struggle to trust Him for His Promise of a faithful, abiding Presence and sure Transformation when I hear Mom say "God is taking me away."

Her hibiscus bush, new this year, has had two huge 10" bright pink blooms and her hydrangeas just keep on coming.  I picked a bunch of flowers, including the hibiscus and she gasped at how magnificently beautiful they were- and then she said with a longing beyond words, "God is taking me away".  At this point my Aunt Diane and I burst into tears at Mom's feet- I was overwhelmed with grief and haunted by the question "God why don't you heal her? you are taking her away by not healing her" and so I did what I could only do, cry out to Him with my Aunt and Mom this very conflict. 

Friends and Family, I really don't understand why this is all happening, I don't know why God is allowing this and I am terrified at the mountain size hole in my heart and life and family her dieing will create... and I want so much to have sure faith in God's goodness and ever faithfulness, but more and more I am feeling like Jesus, "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  And I recall something Mario Bergner shared at Redeemed Lives a few years ago, how when Jesus cried this out on the cross, he didn't really want the answer, "You are the atonement for the sins of the world, remember Jesus, we agreed on this,"  no, He really wanted God's Very Presence With Him- He wanted that Oneness He had known before the foundations of the world, the kind of Intimacy and Love that breathes life into the dead, that expels all darkness, where fear and shame have no ground and the Unbearable is Bearable.  And because of Jesus, I can have God's Presence with me in my own "Unbearable"- please pray on this, that I will open myself more to receive God's Presence, that the eyes of my heart will be enlightened that I may know what is the hope to which he has called me, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints (Eph 1:18).

I realize that God doesn't give us answers most of the time, probably because no answer or reason would be enough to assuage our deep pain and agony in this life, but instead He gives us Himself.  Please pray that my family can go here- that we can still ourselves enough to let His Presence dwell with us. 

On that note, I am off to bed, having had only 4 hours of sleep.  Thank you all!

Peace of Christ,

Bethany

Hello prayer partners,

Thank you for all the support, I continually marvel at how loving and responsive Church of the Resurrection has been to my family's needs. 

Here is the update:

Mom has been a lot more lucid and peaceable the past few days, now that we switched to a better pain medicine and with all the "spiritual sleep" she has been getting.  A colleague friend of my dad's told me that the sleep, though inordinate, is a sacred time and space for Mom to work out things with God and come to fuller peace- almost like while her body sleeps, her soul is communing with God and He is transforming her.  I thought that was so beautiful and true because when we are asleep our very busy reasoning minds are at peace, for God to do His work in our hearts.  This has really touched me at this time because I want more than anything for my Mom to sense the Lord's Presence with her, his faithfulness to her.

Thankfully, I have been able to leave my cleaning business to my amazing crew of women, fellow rez attenders, (Rebecca Hexom, Johannah Swank, and Alysa Luoendee).  Praise God for faithful, hard-working friends!  Being self-employed has allowed me such flexibility, I am amazed how the timing worked out this way- though difficult and more stressful than I have ever experienced, God has provided.

With this time, I have been busy taking care of mom, coordinating relief care-givers, and planning the funeral with mom and dad.  There has been some fun too: I gave mom a pedicure and manicure last night, while we talked openly about things, more openly than we have before.  Please continue to pray that God clears her mind so that my siblings, dad and me can have more lucid times with her.  When she was admitted to the hospital she was very confused, hallucinating and delirious- I have been hoping that would lift and we would get "mom" back mentally, even if momentarily, I am thankful and surprised by this event now. 

My Aunt Diane, my mom's youngest sister, flew in from Houston yesterday and has been such a comfort and blessing.  She is a prayer warrior and continues to point all of us to Jesus.  Pray for her family back home, Kevin (husband), Tyler (18), Kolbie (15), and Justin (13) as they are sharing her with us. 

And lastly, please pray for me and the Gates and McLennan families as we enter into grieving more- I have been so busy lately that I haven't slowed down much to feel, by choice and circumstances.  And within the past 48 hours, my numbness wall has begun to crumble- leaving way for the pain to pour in, slowly and like a rush at times.  I am savoring these moments, with her still breathing, still warm to the touch- and the tears that stain our cheeks.  This is sacred ground, I know, Gethsemane comes to mind.  Please continue to worship God for how He is completing the good work he began in my mom when she was 3 years old, and ask him for more sacred grieving for all of us.

Peace of Christ.

In Jesus Name, Our Suffering God,
Bethany

--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

Prayer for Bonnie

Please pray for Bonnie as she awoke twice in the night and once just now with "terrible pain", a "7" on a pain scale of 10.  We will meet with the Hospice RN for advice and probably increase the frequency of her pain medication.  I was able to get some soft food down and give her some medication, but her swallowing ability is weakening. 

Please pray that she is able to go to the bathroom and get some relief from the buildup in her bowels, the ascites (fluid retention) is back.

We had a wonderful time with her last night, Dad, Stephen, David, Rebecca and I sat with her for 1 hour as she wanted us to wake her up, so she could be with us.  I rubbed her hands and feet, we talked and laughed, and then David played and sang some of his songs and a few others.  We closed with the song, "We Love You, Lord" and prayer, Stephen annointed Mom's head with oil. 

It was a precious time and I desperately want more this week.

With Christ,
Bethany 
--
The GreenClean Maid
"All Natural, Eco-Friendly Cleaning"
847.845.2132
bethanygates@gmail.com

Lenten Hope

Wow, I am so full right now.  No, not food-full, but God-doing-so-many-things-in-my-life-full.  I feel the need for a long nap and a dimly lit quiet room where I can slowly absorb all the mercy and beauty. 

First off, I want to share how God has been blessing The GreenClean Maid:  I gained 3 new clients early this week, a potential 4th client whom I still have yet to meet with, mentoring and networking help from the President of the Warrenville Chamber of Commerce as well as a highly respected, successful, business savvy real estate broker!  I am so thankful, God is providing for me through this young business... and really He has always been providing- it is just a matter of whether I have had eyes to see it. 

Patricia Haskins is not only the beloved mother of my boyfriend, David, but the exceptionally talented and successful President of the Warrenville Chamber.  She and I met up this week to brainstorm ways I can network further and build the business, I hadn't really considered expanding beyond myself- but I am open to the Lord's leading.  

Currently, I am not at capacity yet, so I have no plans to take on anyone at this point, but green cleaning is an open market and could very well blossom (no pun intended).  I would love to be a  part of spreading the green word and blessing homes all over the Western Suburbs with the gift of greenclean!  We will just have to wait and see what our Father has up his sleeve!   

Along with this Patrick Roach of Modo Real Estate is a church acquaintance and now mentor and friend.  He gave me such great advice and coaching, I am so grateful for the Church and how God brings people together.  Not only did he offer to meet up again for another coaching session, but he is going to put my info on his website because up until now he doesn't have any house cleaners he refers people to!  Holy Cow!  This is an exceptional blessing (one I didn't expect) because Patrick is greatly successful (even now) and all due to word of mouth.   

So at this point, I am excited, energized and training for this adventure (especially since running a business is completely new and intimidating).  Please thank the Lord with me for His faithfulness in this way and continue to pray for further guidance and opportunity!

Secondly, I am so thankful and blessed by Rez, she is more and more beautiful to me.  I have been praying with a new sister, Kristan (K-Pob), each week which is greatly transforming me into a faithful woman!  Something about praying in community draws out what you considered too weak and not good enough.  Praying with K-Pob not only has given me a new and dear friend, but an accountability to and reminder of my First Love.  In addition to this, Barbara G, my most recent spiritual mother,  and I met again this past week for spiritual mentoring and prayer.  She is such a huge gift to me and the Church, not to mention her husband as well.  I am exceedingly grateful and encouraged by her faith, wisdom, knowledge, solidarity, humility, service, prayer, encouragement, gentleness and love especially through this dark season.  She mentioned to me, that my mom is a saint and missionary right now as she endures cancer and chemo and cares for her sick patients in the hospital.  Because just as Jesus suffered and can meet us in our suffering, so too can she meet those suffering.  It is only God's economy and God's beauty and God's love that keeps me together...really.

Thirdly, I am beyond words thankful for my mother.  She is my own personal saint.  Now more than ever am I honored to be her daughter.  She is working full-time learning this new float nursing position for adult patients, most of which are geriatric and on their death beds.  Her bald cute head covered with a cap, and sparkly eyes, and warm smile ministering love to these weak, bed-ridden elderly is a manifestation of Christ conquering darkness.  Here she is with metastasized breast cancer, weakened by chemo, sore from medication, tirelessly working to provide for my dad, sister, nephew, and brother, and me.  My anger, confusion, frustration and despair over this seemingly dire circumstance is being transformed into more openness, faith, trust, and love for God than I ever thought I would have, but so greatly longed for.  I have prayed for years for deeper intimacy with the Trinity, and I see now how these years of struggle are growing exactly that.  I wouldn't pray for cancer, or even thank Him for it, but I will pray "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death" and I will thank Him for His faithfulness in "getting me there" (because I am not "there" yet).  But I am on my way, running the race set before me, saying "Yes" to Jesus, and letting go, Thy will be done.

And finally, I just attended the CORE Retreat today for membership to Rez, somehow long overdue, but perfect in its timing:)  The Retreat was unexpectedly revealing, inspiring, exciting, healing and wonderfully convicting.  This is largely why I am so "full".  Because God's work, really His Presence is more than I can fully comprehend or absorb, it is overflowing in Life and Beauty and Freedom and Joy.  The entire membership process has been uniquely special to me, for now more than ever do I need to knit myself into the fabric of the Church, the beautiful tapestry of Saints and Martyrs, Apostles and Prophets... because it is through Their leadership, intercession, suffering and testimony that my gaze is drawn from myself to My Lord.  This is my Lenten discipline, evermore my eyes on Jesus, evermore my gaze into Love.

Praise Him.

With Lenten hope,

Bethany

The GreenClean Maid is springing into action!

So I have decided to go full speed ahead with my very own cleaning business! Exciting. After two months of deliberation, spinning my wheels (literally), and thinking outside of the cubicle, I am dedicated to building my eco-friendly, earth-loving, toxin-free, one-woman show!

My dream is a full week's worth of happy clients with spotless bathrooms using no harsh chemicals!
So far, I have 5 clients and am praying for more. If you know anyone who needs cleaning please don't hesitate to mention The GreenClean Maid!

I was drawn to the business because of the benefits of self-employment and the immediate rewards of a job well done. There is nothing like seeing the transformation of a messy home into a neat, tidy, clean home- not to mention the gratitude of my clients. My dear friend, Amber of Iowa, is the one who inspired me to go for this. She has her own very successful cleaning business in Cedar Rapids, and has shown me the ropes. I am so thankful for her!

In an odd way I am really enjoying the work too, it is very physical (exhausting at first), endurance building, and therapeutic. Something about cleaning is stress relieving and satisfies that desire in all of us to have order.

I am really thankful to the Lord for this opportunity and look to my Father to provide.

My heart likes to ramble...

I went home last night to hang out with the good ole fam. I got to spend some time with my mom, she just got her head buzzed, the first time it was really weird, this second time it is still weird. Stephen and I watched a sci-fi classic, Aliens, till 3am and laughed till we cried watching Youtube videos.

I was greatly impressed with him, he returned his plasma screen tv, which he just got for Christmas, because as he put it "I decided tv wasn't adding anything to my life." He said he was thinking about selling his gaming consoles too because "there are much better things to do with my time." He is becoming a man... of wisdom! This is huge, especially since Dad is MIA for all practical purposes.

I am really excited to see Truth invading Stephen's comfort, it is encouraging to me, like God is saying "I am here, in this growth."

On a different note: This morning and afternoon were terrible, though. Thankfully all the therapy, healing prayer, and wisdom I have received over the years is paying off because I didn't get really involved in the dysfunction, I did end up playing "therapist" a bit, which isn't healthy- but overall, I felt like I was "part of the solution not the problem." And there is great freedom in realizing you can't, nor ever will change anyone, but yourself... sometimes you just have to walk away.

I didn't feel overwhelmed with despair even though the situation at home is despairing and desperate, for some reason I have been able to stay above the waters of depression- I think it is knowledge in action. The more I learn about emotional management (DBT), I know it sounds like psycho-babble, the more I am free, not controlled or undersiege to my fear, anxiety, depression or despair. The more I walk in the truth that my feelings do not determine my behaviors or reality for that matter, the happier I am. Thank you God for this truth.

Still though, I am burdened thinking of my mom. Homelife is a lot worse than I realized, it is really bad, really really bad- and I don't know what the solution(s) are, I don't even know where to begin. In the silence my heart wonders yet again, "God are you faithful, can I trust You, will You redeem this, where is Your salvation, I need You God, will You be enough, are You enough?" My heart likes to ramble when it wonders things about God.

Vicki told me on the phone today as I was driving away to ask God, "what is my next step here, what can be done, what can I do?" instead of trying to problem-solve on my own right now.

So, for this posting, I was hoping that you would join me in prayers for guidance, open doors, hearts and next steps. I need to see Him in this, leading us to "still waters".

More than enough.

Happy New Year!
We had a great night at HMS Berkley with the Watch Night Service Father Rudi officiated. It was a great way to ring in 2009. I was especially blessed that night to get more business for The GreenClean Maid and potential full-time work. The Lord is really providing for me the more I trust Him. Wow! What d'ya know, trusting God actually works:)

I had such a wonderful day today too visiting with a couple from church that I hadn't known much about, but had prayed for me before. It was so encouraging hearing their story of trusting God in the midst of battle, suffering, cancer, and unexpected crisis. The best part for me is realizing how all those times they prayed for me at church, they too were fighting for faith, when I assumed that their lives must be so great and they themselves unfettered by suffering. Don't misunderstand me, I am not rejoicing in others' suffering, rather, in how amazing God's provision is for those who allow Him to provide as He knows is best.

My friend did this, she let God into her pain and vulnerability and fear and He met her with love and strength. From this wellspring she drew to pray for me and so many others.

I sat there rejoicing in my friends' story, but this little pinch inside poked, "does anything go well for Christians? Can we count on anything being prosperous?" It is difficult for me to see godly Christians with repentant hearts encounter such loss, I get afraid realizing more and more that no matter how hard I may try, no matter how much therapy or prayer I go through, I will inevitably continue to screw up, hurt those I love the most and experience unexplainable loss. I start to feel despair in the face of this and that is when I have learned I need to look up and out at Christ.

In answering this little pinch, I tell "her" the truth about God's provision, how we can count on Him making all things new, how He keeps His promise for LIFE and how the one thing that does go well for Christians is the love they share with and receive from God through all the risings and settings of the sun. And how this is really more than enough.


Lord, I believe, help thou, my unbelief.