2 Years Approaching

So, it's been a while since I posted something, but I have been accumulating future posts in my brain hoping for the time to make them sound really smart and chic. HA HA HA! Time- what a joke! Instead of stock piling for later eloquent discourse- here is what has been percolating in my noggin:

- Grad School is wonderful! I love school and want to be paid to learn. :) Anyone else want to join me? Thank you God for nurturing our minds.


- What about worshipping God, walking with God with Pure Love, Pure Faith and Pure Hope as St. Theophan mentions? This is serious business and means dieing to myself in a way I haven't really wanted to explore... but the hardest step is the first and each day I am taking it! I want to worship God, love God, connect with God for WHO He is and not just WHAT He does or doesn't do for me. More to come on this topic...

- Is God ever NOT "doing"? Isn't He ALWAYS pouring forth His Love, Beauty, Goodness, Grace, and Salvation to all of Humanity all the TIME? And furthermore, isn't He every moment of every day giving us HIMSELF in His Son, Jesus? This is powerful stuff to take in... really take in. I think if I REALLY believed this, I would live sooo very differently and far more FREE!



And Tuesday is the 2 year anniversary of my beautiful Mother's death. Still weird typing those words. Still feels like I am writing about another's loss- not my own. And yet, this past year, has been the hardest for me- much more permanent. Much more REAL. She is GONE (not in St. Louis or Door County or Iowa visiting dear friends and family.) And I can't call her, cuddle into her warm body, hold her sweet veiny hands, smell her skin, or be seen by her beautiful hazel eyes that went right to my soul and affirmed my being. I have LOST much in her and carry a sorrow in my soul... but the Beauty of it all is that Christ trampled down death by death! And God is showing me that He is my Life (not my family, not my relationships, not my externals) and Rock. And that it is possible to live this life with pain, loss, holes and still have joy, still marvel at the Beauty all around, still laugh till your sides ache, still love till it's hard to breathe and still let go of it all if Your Father allows or asks this. I have realized in a gut-level way that Life (and the Christian Life) is not about happiness or comforts or dreams come true or even really good, noble things you want to happen working out... but saying Yes to our Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit and trusting (working out that salvation with fear, trembling, crying, cursing even at times) that He is far more invested in our True Being (Theosis- for those that are willing to entertain such a preposterous idea) than even we are... and in Him we are Home.

Thank you for reading!

Escape at all costs!

I work with this wonderful woman, Sue, who is training me in my position. She is from the area originally, but just recently moved here from California. She, like my mom, has battled breast cancer and been betrayed by an employer. She is a believer and said that her faith got her through. But it is devastating to her heart, mind and spirit.

Then, I also heard about John Fawcett, back home at church (Church of the Resurrection) and how his battle with cancer is going. And my heart is heavy with sadness, like the clouds are heavy with rain over these fields. I have been praying throughout the day for God to comfort and be with me, and I have sensed from Him that I just need to let myself feel these things. Feel this pain in and with His Presence. (Which as some of you may know, I hate pain and want to escape at all costs!)

At one point in the day, I had this experience where all this grief and suffering came rushing at me like a crashing wave set to destroy me, immediately I saw Christ, the Logos of God, with all His glory suffering on the cross. Even now as I write, tears come to my eyes because our God knows what it is to suffer! He knows what it is to die! He knows full well what it is to be disappointed, to hurt, to loose out, to be betrayed and wrongfully attacked. He really can empathize with us, He really can grieve with us. I believe that we cry because that is His own response. He shed the first tear, and He will wipe away the last.

What shall we do in the meantime? As we wait for the handkerchief of Heaven?
We shall worship.

We shall sing loudly, profoundly, mysteriously and reverently of the victory that we own and awaits. We shall proclaim with all the earth and heavens the glory of the Lord. We shall live as ministers, as the Royal Priesthood of the Most High King. We shall walk through the darkness of cancer, betrayal, missing a much loved boyfriend, and even death with the love and nearness of God propelling us forward. With His Truth setting us free, the Saints cheering us on, and the Spirit giving us song we will gallantly enter the final frontier more than conquerers. And then, we will see Him face-to-face.

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

Peace,