The PheTOMenon

So I miss David a lot, this 90 day break is testing my strength. I spoke with a good friend today, Suzie B, she laughed as I told her how much I miss him because she had just talked to him about 2o min earlier and he told her exactly the same thing about me! :) This makes me happy.

I embeded two short documentaries, Chris, a good friend, put together of Tom. Tom is this great guy that David takes care of, and really is best friends with. I love Tom, he is family.

Peace,

Escape at all costs!

I work with this wonderful woman, Sue, who is training me in my position. She is from the area originally, but just recently moved here from California. She, like my mom, has battled breast cancer and been betrayed by an employer. She is a believer and said that her faith got her through. But it is devastating to her heart, mind and spirit.

Then, I also heard about John Fawcett, back home at church (Church of the Resurrection) and how his battle with cancer is going. And my heart is heavy with sadness, like the clouds are heavy with rain over these fields. I have been praying throughout the day for God to comfort and be with me, and I have sensed from Him that I just need to let myself feel these things. Feel this pain in and with His Presence. (Which as some of you may know, I hate pain and want to escape at all costs!)

At one point in the day, I had this experience where all this grief and suffering came rushing at me like a crashing wave set to destroy me, immediately I saw Christ, the Logos of God, with all His glory suffering on the cross. Even now as I write, tears come to my eyes because our God knows what it is to suffer! He knows what it is to die! He knows full well what it is to be disappointed, to hurt, to loose out, to be betrayed and wrongfully attacked. He really can empathize with us, He really can grieve with us. I believe that we cry because that is His own response. He shed the first tear, and He will wipe away the last.

What shall we do in the meantime? As we wait for the handkerchief of Heaven?
We shall worship.

We shall sing loudly, profoundly, mysteriously and reverently of the victory that we own and awaits. We shall proclaim with all the earth and heavens the glory of the Lord. We shall live as ministers, as the Royal Priesthood of the Most High King. We shall walk through the darkness of cancer, betrayal, missing a much loved boyfriend, and even death with the love and nearness of God propelling us forward. With His Truth setting us free, the Saints cheering us on, and the Spirit giving us song we will gallantly enter the final frontier more than conquerers. And then, we will see Him face-to-face.

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

Peace,

View from the back porch

Here is a video I made yesterday afternoon:




I start my new job tomorrow, Monday. Honestly, I am grieving and nervous. I know it will be fine and nice to not be dirt poor, but I will miss all the perks of unemployment. If only I could get paid to contemplate and explore!

Alas, I will enter the ranks of a glorified copy girl. But I am thankful because I am making more than I was in Chicago! Which is really unheard of out here with the cost of living being lower. It is a blessing that I am grateful for!

I think what scares me the most about going back to full-time work... is exactly that, FULL-TIME WORK. I understand that I don't have any alternatives and that we all have to work to support ourselves- that isn't the problem. Lack of sunshine and fresh air is really my concern. Being cooped up in a cubicle making friends with paper clips and staples is my imminent demise. I know this may sound simplistic, traditional and unliberated, but it is the truth: I just really want to get married and be a mom. Vacuuming, making lunches, diapers, gardens, homework, spills and staring at an exhausted husband sounds like bliss to me:)


Happy 25th Birthday Suzie, sorry I couldn't be there!!


Peace,

Party Time!

Heading off to an "All May Birthday Party Party", which should be fun because Amber will be there- her birthday is Monday. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with new friends and honestly something as simple as a place to be on Saturday night. I barely know anyone, but everyone has recieved me with open arms. Especially during this time when I am without David, God is providing community and connectedness. He is so good to me.

I miss David greatly and find my heart aching throughout the day in longing for him. Simple things, really, like missing his shoes, his voice, his smell, his smart-ass comments flood my mind with memories like a river overtaking a bridge. Companionship is a powerful force, it both brings me to my knees and propels me to the highest mountain.

I have no fears or worries that this time apart is not the good and right thing for us. Rather, I am waiting in expectation for what God is doing, for the fruit to be harvested. And I am learning, that with God there is always a bountiful harvest no matter how bad the season's drought or flooding had been. This is His promise.

Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
Hebrews 12:10-12

Peace,

"Whoo Whoo" the Owl calls

I just came in from sitting outside in the dark listening to the owls discuss something of great importance. I would love to hear what walls would talk about, but owls- now that would be fun.

The night ended on good conversation with two great women I have befriended, Amber and her sister Allison. We watched Seabiscuit which left us feeling very good and hopeful. I am thankful for these women, whom I have really just met, and believe that it not to be coincidence that our paths have crossed.

Vicki took me out to dinner for a girl's night, which was just what I needed. Struggling for most of the day to rinse off the residue of an OCD attack, or as I affectionately put it: "spinning" is exhausting and can be very disheartening when done alone. It was good to have her there, to talk to, to do the Four Steps with, to simply admit that I had been battling and needed someone to speak the truth with me. She of course was more than obliging, she was thankful for my invitation into this place of darkness and within the first sips of our waters, the panic and trauma I had been carrying with me drained from my body and crawled out the door scratching its head at how it had lost this one. The night carried on with great fellowship and enjoyment of how God does work ever wondrous and mysterious ways in our lives.

I sense this work even as I write because just as Vicki appreciated, welcomed and encouraged me sharing my dark hole with her- so too, does the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Infact, he would have it no other way. For this, I love Him.

When I woke this morning, I began the Orthodox morning prayers and stopped mid-sentence because the urge to spin was overpowering. I think it was a lack of sleep because whenever I am tired, the OCD runs over me like a bull-dozer. But, I hadn't struggled like this in weeks and I have been doing the prayers for the same amount of time. So I was caught off guard, and that is never good when dealing with the Imp of the Mind. Alas, I fell back asleep and had some dreams!

First, I was reprimanding, if not yelling at my younger self. I was holding this little Bethany by the shoulders saying, "I will be there for you! I will be there for you!" Then, cut to a window and I am standing, not my younger self, this is me currently, standing watching as the sky turns muddy black, the clouds furiously march across and a storm is brewing. Then the clouds come at the window like a train and I don't flinch, but just as they graze the window- someone, I think my sister, Hannah, pushes me away and I fall to the floor. But, enticed as I am, I get up and go to the window to meet this barreling steam enemy, and as the clouds approach, they pass through the window and come at my face, steal my breath as I meekly mutter the whisper, "Jesus". The wind is knocked out of me and I fall to the floor. And the dream ends. I wake up and ask God to explain.

So here is what I sensed from the Lord immediately following: I am not to confront my fears, doubts, or OCD thoughts, I am not to engage them, I am not to reason or spin or "try and figure it out". God is saying to me, "Tell me your fears. Come to me and tell me when you are afraid, when you doubt me, when you feel the panic, when your throat is being zipped up and your chest is in a blender. Come to me, don't try to solve this on your own. Come to me." I sense that only the truth can set me free, the truth in the Four Steps.

And as far as talking to my younger self, weird as it may be, I think there is something there of real importance. Funny how I have no problem showering love and affection on little children, especially my nephew, Samuel (who, by the way is the cutest baby ever), but I would not do the same for myself. Instead of affirming, encouraging and lifting myself up with the Truth, I find myself consistently negligent in caring for Bethany, in really loving her. Why is that? Why does it seem so foreign, self-indulgent, even un-Christian, to love yourself as much as you do a friend, spouse, brother, or child? Aren't we to love our neighbors as ourselves? Where have we gone wrong, and how can we undue this?

Along these same lines, I have often contemplated, "God do you feel the same way about me as I feel about Samuel?" I have never fully been able to really accept this, take it in and rest in this kind of love, but I long to and I know that He is patient. As one can see, He is opening my heart to this love, even now... for this, I love Him.

Peace,